Wow, I can't even get into what's going on in my life in this anonymous forum. Work has become secondary, and all life is still-life. I'm moving into a new apartment since my former roommates have leeched all of my money. I've found out that I'm a born sucker and that anyone will take advantage of me. My basic principle of human goodness, which is what I base my social interactions (ie., life) on, has come into question. I've come face to face with my narcissistic side, and I pray to be able to overcome the issues involved with that sometime in my life. Ego is a trip in and of itself. I wish I wouldn't overthink everything and ruin it all doing so. I don't jump to wrong conclusions; I simply don't jump.

Sad how Emo this is getting, isn't it?

Why is it that I feel like the only person walking around with a mountain of regrets? People say to move on, but I just don't see how. I mean, christ, I still can't get passed embarrassing my mom in front of my 3rd grade teacher, let alone the plethora of events occurring right now that I know will haunt me for the rest of my life.

After having read so much about how people tick and being able to read others' thoughts through analytical observation, I have no idea how to express my own emotions at all, or even how to 'feel' them. I'm starting to believe I'm actually partially autistic. Aaron, Brent, and Jake will always remember the time I flipped out over a L5R game in 6th grade. I was seriously just trying to act like a normal person. I flipped because I thought, through observation, that that was how normal people expressed their anger. I didn't know how to do it otherwise. Nothing comes naturally for me, ever. at all. That was really just the start of me trying to fit in. After reading that, I hope you can understand how fucked up my psyche is right now. Bleh, pity party.

I've smoked myself stupid now, by the way. I can't sing anymore. I guess I've accomplished some subconscious, masochistic goal.

Currently Listening Downward Spiral By Nine Inch Nails see related

I think I'm done with MMORPGs. I can't really say I've outgrown them, since I don't think that's something you outgrow. I just lack the attention span now, which is really sad to me, since that infers that I lack the attention span in other areas of my life. Oh, and I can't sleep. I get to do an oral board with a lieutenant commander on Sunday. Hooray for 1 day weekend followed by 6 day work week! I can't wait until this shit is over and I can go to college and grow my hair, skip classes, and never deal with the military again. I don't think I'm cut out for 4 more years of this. I don't have a military mind, and I just can't understand the people around me.

There is no place to sing on an aircraft carrier.

Ever feel like you were lacking forward motion? Sometimes I don't know if progress is happening or not. I do know that it is necessary.

I've been dealing with the psychadelic lately, in video games, books, experiences, thoughts. I believe it's a part of the progression of all intellectuals. I've gone from religion, to ethical "secret" societies (haha), to psychological and historical chemistry, astrophysics, and now back to the mind jobs. While learning quite a bit, if I am simply treading in the footsteps of men before me, however great, what more is there? What is this entire mind-travel experience for? There is no one I can discuss what I've seen with. Thank god for my friends and my brother, since with them I can at least let all the incredibly horrible observations of the moronic evil of this world go.

I've been exposed to true hedonism. There are many people that come over to my current residence, and all of them are interesting. While most of them are the typical trying to be atypical, seeking identity through the gratification of their peers, never listening yet dieing for their chance to speak, they all bring something unique to the communial mental group. However, there are a few individuals coming over lacking simple moralty. While I come from an extremely religious background, and still hold to the simple doctrine of God and the Devil in spite of and in accordance with what I've experienced, I believe a simple morality should be nearly independent of such beliefs. You can only take Nurture so far before Nature has its say. In particular there is a girl who comes over and decides we want to hear about how her thing is getting with virgins, corrupting them, and then dumping them. What is this? This is pure pleasure in corruption, with no thought of the effects of your actions on those around you. For someone who bases their existence on their relationships with others and the basic moral fibers inherent within (see my 'profile' below), such behavior is pathetic and completely self-serving. Now, I take pride in the fact that I usually key in on the positive aspects of every person I interact with. This is the first time in my period of cognizant thought where I've been unable to find any redeeming qualities in a person, despite looking hard. I take this as simply another step in the journey, but boy does it hurt to know there are people out there I cannot connect with.

My job simply becomes more and more unbearable every day. I can't believe how such a huge concept (nuclear power!) can seem so meaningless the more I work with it. Understanding my thoughts on the issue is becoming an exercise in futility. When I was younger, I didn't try to apply metaphysics and Freudian duplexia to waking up in the morning. I simply understood my thoughts on the issue, analyzed my feelings, and went about life for the jive and the ride. Now, it's becoming harder.

Hopefully I'll soon find the drive to find a creative outlet for the entirety of existence, or else I'll probably end up not accomplishing anything of meaning. Maybe I'll start writing.